the life and times of the fabulous me

so a full week has gone by now. feels like its been longer. The weekends festivities were quite the blunder. running into ex, seeing ex on and off through the night to spending 7 hrs in the car just chatting about life and where one will go with said ex, what one will do. the feelings are still there and they are atronger then ever before. the love, memories, laughter, tears, the affection etc - the whole lot. i am full of mixed emotions which are really starting to play with ze head. Im sad and down but also angry and tired of all of it - i sorta feel like a puppet and im being controlled by my puppet master when in all fact im no ones puppet. Is this all a Game maybe. Its possible. everything is just up in the air, pieces over here, pieces over their. Trying to put all the pieces is taking alot longer to put together and who knows when the fuck it will be done.

The chats - totally awkward as u could imagine, and I was so down, He kept making comment that its strange, not many couples can brake up and still sit next to each other with the feelings we have between us and able to talk and still be semi affectionate – I replied with “ Yeh its called Love”. he held my hand, gave me cuddles – although positioning somewhat awkward as we were in the car, kissing my neck, my cheek, holding me whispering he still loved me and always will in my ear, calling me his prince, his boi and how much he just wished that things were ok and he was ready to be with me as he realised I am the guy he wants to be with, just wrong time. Whats that saying – right guy, wrong time,.
.
we made jokes, had some laughs, held back tears, and made a few lil mistakes and went a lil far considering we were in my car on the street but hey it was dark and although we shouldnt have made out like we did lol, i dnt know it just felt ... RIGHT. when ever im with him, everything we do just seems right. i feel this is my soul mate and im lost without him.

Now how can I not feel bad and down and melt when this is going on. The one guy who I thought would be mine for a long long time, the one I actually love and who still holds my heart, the one who pops up into my head when I hear songs, see simple things like cars, dogs, rubber ducks – theres a story there lol – even fukn smells. Grrr I just fukn hate this. I still cant listen to Thunder in my heart and not cry. That was our song. I just dnt no how long this will be going on for hey?

Fuck will these tears stop, will this day get any easier. Will life ever get easier. I no life isn’t always easy but fuck I don’t understand why there has to be this much pain, this much love - it just hurts.

I dnt know if i can say things are getting easier because to be honest i dont even know myself, i dont think they are. From waking up in the morning and rolling over expecting to see him there to going to bed at night, having it come down to holding a pillow and just wishing, wishing i had him back in my arms, wishing i was back in his, the feeling of being one, the feeling of dare i say LOVE. Ive said goodbye to the one boi who will remain closest to me for a long long time.

Q: - When you are told how much you mean to someone. when someone says they cant loose you from their life. when you really dont want to loose them either. when your told that he cant see himself with anyone else. There is no sexual desire, wish to be with anyone else and only wants you. When they play a scenario out that himself and said flatmate/best mate of his are sitting down having their tea "like good housewives" and you flutter about in tight ck briefs getting ready to go to work, whilst flatmates bf is sleeping still - What do you do. Do you wait to see if this will actually happen one day. Do you wait around for something that both of you cant even promise will happen, living a fantasy or do you "cut loose and run", realise that its possible he could meet someone else whilst you wait then what will you do. you will be fukd really. - try to save urself from further heartache. its just so ... fukd because for once in my life i dnt know what to do or where to go with all this. its just to much. as two of my mates always said - What does it all mean..??

Well what does it mean? - Does it mean i "wait","cut and run", like will it even work a 3rd time. Do i even wanna try? "No matter what, were so gonna get together again and be together - its just what will happen" ..:: That was said to me a few times, well along those lines anyway and i think about it and it fills me with hope cause i love him so much, but also fills me with sadness. DO i know if this will happen - NO, can i guarantee this will happen - NO, Nothing in life is certain as i have learned and we just have to live it one day at a time cause really i could be clinging to false hope, but all that aside i know what is certain. My LOVE for sim, that boi was amazing in so many ways, and no matter how hard you try, no one will ever understand what we had, and thats what made it all so amazing.

HA i just realised how much i am doing my own fukn head in.

Bottom line is - The only person I want with me right now is simon. Just to feels his arms around me, holding me, kissing my neck like he always did – I just miss it all sooo much

Funny that i hardly ever used this thing before but someone told me on the weekend that its best to write things out, that way you feel like you are getting stuff off your chest. Thanks Crystel babe cause this has helped but as you know me i couldnt be assed writing, so have chosen typing. Same shit just different spelling really. oh p.s - ya new place in newtown, MWAH babe - fukn camp-o-rama


something though i would like to leave you with, and when i think of this i sorta know what direction i should maybe look at starting to head by anyways hows this :-

" Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'FUCK WHAT A RIDE' " thanks megs babe xo


thank you for reading

xo G ox

DHT LYRICS

"I Miss You"

Oh baby I know that I did you wrong
But I got lost along the way
And I never thought you'd walk away
But you did and I can't cope with it

[Chorus 2x]
I'm alone and I don't know what to do
With my feelings cause I'm still not over you
And I'm crying from the day you walked away
And I miss you
I miss you
(I miss you)

I tell my friends that I got over you
That I took your pictures of the wall
But I know there is another truth
That I miss you
That I need you

[Chorus 2x]


.... do you just hate it when songs just bring back the pain, memories, all u can do is smile and try to move on with ur life but sometimes u just cant.. no matter how hard you try..

Last Goodbye
by Da Buzz
album: Last Goodbye

My last goodbye.. my last goodbye..

You gave me a home, somewhere to rest my mind
But one day I left after a stupid fight
Why couldn't I see all the good things behind?
Now I stand in the truth, I suddenly realize..

This is my last goodbye 'cause I need you so
My last goodbye, no wonder why
You give life a meaning, you fill me with hope
A world full of reasons
That's why I call it my last goodbye

You're wherever I go, wherever I put my feet
I'm faithful to all, all that I still have to bear
Why couldn't I see all the good things behind?
Now I stand in the truth, I suddenly realize..

This is my last goodbye 'cause I need you so
My last goodbye, no wonder why
You give life a meaning, you fill me with hope
A world full of reasons
That's why I call it my last goodbye

Last goodbye.. my last goodbye.. last goodbye..

I don't wanna hear it
Don't ever tell me it's over
I just wanna say I know our love is stronger
And I'm back to make it alright
There's no more goodbye

This is my last goodbye 'cause I need you so
My last goodbye, no wonder why
You give life a meaning, you fill me with hope
A world full of reasons
That's why I call it my last goodbye




.... the hardest part you have to deal with is saying goodbye. I love you x

well its another day, am starting to feel better since monday, still cant get in contact with mum and dad which is really getting abit much. having to tell them the news when they get back is something that we really arnt looking forward to. sigh - life really does fukn suck at times.. it really does
I know that she hasnt left me totally and is prob up there lounged back in her banana chair with a glass, actually bottle of wine looking down on me.. thats how we will remember her :) things will heal, time will pass, one day ill be up there with her, pissed as nits fallin on our ass hehe... rest in peace AJ (aunty jan) hehe gave her that nick name a few yrs ago.. loves it

Love to all
G x

change - the feeling that never really is understood yet to everyone is tolerated and accepted whether they like it or not but hey when in rome..

the last few weeks have really been interesting for young granty boi. good things, bad things, things i dnt even know wat to think or say about. it been a few weeks now since i parted from one of the most beautiful and influencial person i have ever met and will meet for a long time. you know who you are :p
i cant say it has been easy cause i and everyone in my life knows it hasnt, but luckyly ive had alot of things going on in my life to keep me busy and my mind from wondering. things are sorta getting better, i still think about it each day and yeh some times the tears join the thoughts but i know in time everything will pass and you will be a permenant fixture in my life and things will be a hell of alot easier :)

work times have really taken it out of me, more responsibilities, more money and as of an hour ago im told i am allowed a company car ... of my choice. before you jump and scream yes, like i did, there is a condition - its of my choice out of the 7 spare cars my company has in storage that arnt being used but i hear there is a convertable - wat type, i have no idea but fuk im keen to find out lol.

personal times, well like i said there going ok, its getting easier and better then what it was but the pains still there. more so of a night when im lying in bed just wishing the old days were still aparent, the snuggles and laughing and dare we say odd cones :p but thats wat we did and we loved it lol. on a lighter note the last three days have been amazing. My parents have fukd off overseas for 2 weeks which is always great, i won $3,000 on melb cup, though most has gone back to the folks... bastards and the third ... well this is a huge one and i dnt wanna reveal yet as i havnt made my mind up for sure but lets say i mite need to learn to change a nappie hehe - that so gave most away but who cares. when i decide i shall reeveal to everyone and feel free to give me ur opinions and comments as my friends i value wat u think ... to a certain point anyway hehe

well its time for me to wrap this up but i send my love out to everyone who is reading this and ill be seeing most of you soon i guess..

love to you all, and to all of u i love

xo G ox

I wonder why- I always cry
I feel so scared and alone
I wonder why- I can't sleep at night
I wonder why- things had to be this way
I wonder why- I just can't be happy


I wonder why- it seems like every guy
Ends up hurting me in the end

Sometimes I wonder why me?
Sometimes I wish I were someone else
People tell me that it will be ok
I wonder- when will it be ok?
When will things start to change?
When will I be happy?

I wonder why- life is so difficult
I wonder why- we must face challenges
I wonder why- I must take it one day at a time
I wonder why- everything takes a long time

I wonder why- my heart aches
I wonder why- I feel so alone
I wonder why- it hurts so bad inside
I wonder why- this happened to me
I wonder why- do i bother to stay here!

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU...

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